News & Press

We are all victims of domestic violence. The repercussions of one abused child reach far beyond one family. The child duplicates what has been modeled for him/her, which leads to more violence — and the dominoes keep falling. We all pay, if only in the pocketbook.

Julianne Leavy, MA, MFT, wants to help break this cycle by leading children and adults who are scarred by domestic violence onto a path of healing. She does so gently, compassionately, one building block atop the other.

Brilliant paintings adorn the walls ofher Camel office: a rainbow, a contorted stick image, "I love you."

Inviting sandboxes filled with plastic figurines and a table with a kaleidoscope of crayons create a playful air, a safe harbor. Soft music completes the picture.

Leavy wears her brunette hair long, her paisley skirt long, and her smile wide. At 39, she is accomplished in her field and the counseling program she created) Sticks and Stones) is used in schools throughout the county.

We talk of "The Innocent "Victims," a handbook she has recently written for parents and caregivers of children exposed to domestic violence. "What the book has done for me," she says, "I finally feel I am able to reach out to so many children I have not touched."

Q: Why this field?

A: I always loved children. My mother recently reminded me that when I was in junior high school I heard something in the news about horrendous child abuse, I was so distraught I had to do something about it and some deep passion started to flourish... After I was in real estate for a while and had a fat income and a fat car, I realized something was missing...

When I came to the Peninsula, I started working with the YWCA of Monterey County with children of battered adults. One night I was working late when a mother, 3-year-old daughter and infant son came in. The little girl was hysterical. She had watched her father try to strangle her mother. She was crying, "He's going to kill my mommy!" I'm still working with her. That image will never leave her mind.

Q: What part does women's liberation play in domestic violence?

A: Women are liberated when they can leave an abusive situation. But that takes so much inner strength. Think of the woman with three kids, no job, and no support outside of the home, who is verbally, physically and maybe sexually abused. So she's struggling to get the strength to leave and someone says, "Just leave." It minimizes the power of the abuser. It is so shame based. You never ask why. If she knew, she'd be out of there.

Q: What recourse did baby boomer children, have?

A: The difference is people are talking about it more, and not just behind closed doors, even though it's a really ugly subject. There are more shelters, resources, and people can get help. The otsiy way a child can be helped, if they're not yet in school, is if a person in their life notices and makes an intervention. That's not usually the case. During critical developmental years, kids are learning from what they witness or experience. Layers of trauma are building on these children.

Q: What do you know of this, abuse firsthand?

A: I've never been physically violated, but I experienced emotional abuse in my first marriage. It really made quite an impact on me. I'd learned some very dysfunctional ways of relating in that relationship... Emotional abuse can be as severe as physical. Interior wounds are more difficult to name. I left after 7 years. I knew having a child was not a good idea in that marriage.

Q: How does your current husband treat you?

A: We met three years ago and I realized he was gentle and kind and I wanted him to father my child. He never puts me down. That's what our child is seeing.

Q: How big a part does addiction play to domestic violence?

A: A big part. Often the abuser is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, which precipitates abuse. Then the partner feels they can't escape, so they escape with drugs themselves. Children are witnessing how to cope with pain from them. Our homes are our environment to tell us how to operate in the world.

Q: You deal with sexually abused children also. How do you handle hearing the suffering?

A: I mostly won't work with male perpetrators of sexual abuse. I have too much anger. (She agrees women can also also be abusers.)... I've worked so hard to balance my life with light. I need to go home and have my family and my life. But some pain I've seen is almost impossible to forget. When I was an intern, I had to leave a 4-year-old I was working with. I couldn't get her removed from her home. She clung to me and would not let me say goodbye. Ill never forget her huge eyes. I felt I was leaving her to the wolves; she would have no advocate.

Q: How about a success story?

A: So many... A little 3-year-old who came into the shelter. After a world of love, her (abused) mother is now working in schools. She moved on and never went back to her abuser. He's in and out of jail. They're doing great.

What's been difficult has been the unknowns, when a person would leave the shelter. Now I can follow through. For instance, a young woman was severely emotionally abused through childhood. We worked on her self-esteem through art therapy and she's able to move beyond her childhood pain. I get letters now and she attributes her mental health to the work we did.

Q: That must be rewarding.

A: Every day you're so honored that people are willing to spill their heart out to you. I remember a third-grader not doing well in school, an emotional wreck. He came to my office and said he couldn't go home. He was afraid his arms would be broken. His mother had just bought him a backpack and said if he lost it she'dbreak his arms. The family got into counseling and there were changes. His grades and behavior improved. He became a happy little boy.

Q: What about forgiveness?

A: It's really important to be able to forgive, but forgiveness has to happen when one is ready. They can't be told. Someone would want that to be the goal because holding onto the anger means they're holding onto the pain. I can't see ultimate healing without it.

Q: Are there people who shouldn't parent and is there an evaluation for them?

A: There are people who shouldn't parent without education. If somebody has grown up in a violent home, they need to learn new ways to parent.

Q: Cite a child's bill of rights.

A: To be unconditionally loved, to be trusted and respected. If they have those three components they will believe they're OK in the world.

Q: That's what you got?

A: (eyes dance) Yeah, I did. I had been so sheltered. Until I read of abuse, I couldnt believe people could hurt children in that way. I learned to parent by how I was parented.